New Years Eve

Today I’ve felt a little off. A little sad under all the happiness I feel. It took most of the day to figure it out… but I realized what it is. Today is New Years Eve and although I’m right where I’m supposed to be, a part of me is missing you. For the first time in a while I’m excited to see what 2023 brings our little family, but I’m also missing you.

Two years ago we spent an excited NYE with you inside my belly, learning you were a healthy baby girl with our family during a zoom gender reveal as this was the first year of the pandemic and we were all keeping our distance. What a way to spend our NYE, ringing in the new year celebrating the baby girl we would be welcoming in 2021! Finally, we would turn the page to a new chapter that would include you. We were overjoyed with the news of you! Our family was overjoyed. Your Daddy and I picked up a steakhouse dinner and snuggled as we watched the ball drop at midnight. This night was one where we felt so certain of the future… It was one of the last innocent, carefree moments of our pregnancy with you because just a few days later the bleeding started. And many weeks later we would receive the horrible news that led to us losing you.

One year ago we also spent NYE at home, this time with a dear friend visiting and you among the stars. We had lost you and by NYE we had been on a heartbreaking nine month journey of navigating life without you and facing infertility treatments and procedures with no idea when we might get another chance at parenthood. We had experienced many firsts without you and had experienced many fertility setbacks at the same time. I’d be lying if I said New Years Eve 2021 was anything but depressing. I didn’t have a 2021 highlight reel to share, no top 9 Instagram post to share… I couldn’t even bear to look on social media to see everyone else’s highlight reels. Life felt unfair. The new year did not bring any promises. How could it after we lost you? How could it after so many infertility failures and setbacks?

This year… Amelia, this NYE our evening is similar but our world is so vastly different. We are once again at home… but this year your baby brother, Benjamin, has joined our world! And Kilroy has joined you among the stars. Today we can reflect on a few hard moments, but also all there is to be thankful for in this year. There was so much good in 2022. It started out sad, with a failed embryo transfer and your first birthday among the stars. But soon after this we found out Benjamin was on his way… and although our anxieties were high there was still so much joy experiencing our subsequent pregnancy. There has been so much peace in welcoming him earth side and experiencing parenthood the way it is supposed to be. This NYE we can look forward to the next year and all the joy that is yet to come. Your brother has filled our hearts and healed our souls in ways I had always hoped and wished for.

But no matter how much space Benjamin takes up in our hearts, there will always be a space carved out for you, Amelia. In times of great joy and happiness my heart will still ache for you… even just a little bit. And days like today may always hit a little harder or leave me feeling a bit off. The days are a lot easier now with much less heartache, but I will always love you. And as long as I love you I will miss you… even just a little bit!