Time

It’s been nearly four months since I last wrote to you, Amelia. Four months seems so long, yet so brief all at once. Time has an interesting way of dragging when life is tough and flying by in an instant when life is easier. The first year after we lost you- experiencing every first milestone, every first holiday, and every first anniversary without you here time felt like an eternity. And now this last year with your brother here- experiencing every first milestone, every first holiday, and every first anniversary with him here time has passed by much more quickly than I ever anticipated. When I stop to think about it I feel as though I cannot grasp the concept of time anymore. Sometimes I wonder how in the world I got here. Other times it feels like I’ve been here all along. In many ways it feels like just yesterday we were saying both hello and goodbye to you but in reality it’s been a while.

The past few months have been incredibly busy. Sometimes hectic even. We’ve traveled, had visitors, caught Covid among other things, and we’ve added more activities to our plate than we probably should’ve. I’ve had moments where I could not catch my breath. We have Benji’s first birthday and holidays quickly approaching. We had the 4th anniversary of losing your Papa (talk about the concept of time! This, too, seems like it was just yesterday) and for a few days I had to make an effort to slow down time so that I could sit with some lingering grief that took me by surprise. It’s been difficult lately to find any free time, but no matter what you have never left my mind. 

Amelia, you are always in the place of my mind that is carved out for you. Most days you move to the front of my mind, at least for a little while. Some days I spend a little extra time thinking about you. On October 15th we lit your candle again for an hour, for the third year in a row, and we thought about you and all of the other babies who didn’t get a chance to stay here. It’s not often I look at your photos, but on October 15th we sat with the photo of your feet for the full hour. Your sweet little feet. That time was yours. When the concept of time makes it hard to remember, photos like this one remind me of what it was like to have you physically here with us for the short amount of time that we did.

On October 23rd, as I was walking through the back yard at night your garden caught my eye and once again you moved right up to the front of my mind for a little while. I thought about how pretty your garden looked with some flower blossoms in late October and the thought made me smile. I thought about how soon we will have some freezing weather and once again your garden will rest until spring when I can plant again. I am so fortunate to live in a place warm enough to have flowers until late fall/winter, but every winter I still have to endure a few months without the beauty of your garden and the daily reminders that you are still all around me. Every winter it becomes more challenging to find you and to carve out time for you.

And while time may feel as though it is passing me by too quickly and yet not quickly enough I will always cherish my time spent with you.