In July 2019 we started trying for a family. 11 months passed without a positive pregnancy test and we started down the path with a reproductive endocrinologist. Finally, four months later, with the help of IUI our baby was conceived! We were so grateful! It felt like fate as our baby was sent to us exactly one year after the sudden passing of my Dad. It felt like he must’ve needed a year with his grandchild in Heaven before she could join us earth side.
For the first 7 or 8 weeks everything went smoothly. I felt good, had no morning sickness, and when we heard the heartbeat we were sure everything would be just fine. In the middle of the 8th week of pregnancy I experienced some mild spotting, but ultrasound showed our baby thriving with tiny little arm and leg buds and a healthy heartbeat. We were beyond relieved.
By 10 weeks everything continued as routinely as we could imagine and our non-invasive prenatal testing came back low risk for everything.
Due to the Covid-19 pandemic we stayed home for the holidays, but we were able to arrange a zoom call with our immediate family for a gender reveal on NYE 2020. Learning that we were expecting a daughter with our family on NYE was the most incredible feeling in the world! Our baby GIRL was on her way and we couldn’t be more excited!
Once I knew our baby was a girl I began to dream up who she would be. I began to dream up her nursery and although I had never expected to focus on the color pink, every time I thought of her I saw beautiful feminine, floral patterns. I dreamed about the accent wall I would paper in her nursery with big beautiful flowers and I was drawn to floral clothing designs. I began to imagine what it would be like to see my husband as a girl dad and imagined all of the daddy & daughter events they would embark on in the future. I couldn’t wait for her to be here.
Unfortunately, just a few days later, in early January I began to bleed and our pregnancy took a very scary turn. I was diagnosed with a Subchorionic Hematoma and I bled heavily for about a week. Our care team assured me everything would be ok, but I was worried. Our baby was still thriving and it was explained to me that most people go on to have a healthy pregnancy following a Subchorionic Hematoma. I was nervous and determined to listen to our doctors and trust that everything would be ok. And it was… for a little while.
At 14 weeks our ultrasound was perfect! They said the Subchorionic Hematoma had resolved and our daughter was on track. Watching her wiggle around in there was so wonderful. She had quite the personality already.
Finally, I began to breathe and started to plan. I started our registries, we began talking about a baby moon, I started to admire how my body was transforming, and I started to feel her move. I will never forget the one and only time I felt her completely flip around inside. It was incredible!
I was scheduled for my next ultrasound (the Anatomy scan) at 18 weeks, but Texas experienced the worst winter storm and our appointment was delayed to 20 weeks. Sometimes I wish this appointment hadn’t been delayed… and sometimes I am thankful for the 6 weeks of blissful ignorance that I had between 14 and 20 weeks.
On the morning of our 20 week appointment I called the OBGYN office and asked them to allow my husband to be present for the ultrasound. I wasn’t worried. I was excited. And since he hadn’t been able to be present for any of the ultrasounds due to the pandemic, and now we had been vaccinated, I really wanted him to have the chance to be there. They said no and I told him to stay home to FaceTime from his iPad to see our baby girl a bit more clearly.
I eagerly made my way to this appointment with excitement and the anticipation. I knew what a big deal this sonogram was and I had been looking forward to it for so long. We were officially half way through our pregnancy and on our way to meeting our little girl!
Unfortunately, for us, our lives changed in an instant.
I will never forget the ultrasound tech, within seconds of placing the wand on my belly, saying “Huh… this baby doesn’t have much fluid around her. Have you felt any leaking?”
I will never forget how difficult it was to see our girl on the screen, all squished in there without the fluid needed around her to keep her safe and healthy.
My husband was with me through FaceTime, but he was at home about 20 minutes away. He rushed to me as quickly as he could, and I swear to you time stopped. Time stopped for us while it continued for everyone else in the world around us. Our baby was alive, her heart was beating, she was measuring at 20 weeks… but she had very little fluid around her. Time stopped and tears fell when our OBGYN told us how serious this was and while we waited to see a specialist.
Over the course of the next week and a half we would learn so much. Visits with specialists would initially offer hope… she was perfectly developed and had a small amount of amniotic fluid, but likely not enough. They called it Oligohydramnios. And over time our hope would become less and less… without fluid our daughter would never develop her lungs properly and it was only a matter of time until an infection called Chorioamnionitis could kill both our baby and myself. I was urged to take my temperature several times a day and watch myself closely for signs of infection. For a week and a half I spent most of my time in bed, desperately searching for success stories and any indication that things could still turn out ok. I’d visit Labor and Delivery frequently to check for leaking amniotic fluid, and somehow it was never detected. The only explanation we ever received was that the amniotic sac must’ve been compromised when I had the Subchorionic Hematoma and I had a slow leak over a long period of time. I tried IV fluids, supplements, and drank so much water in effort to help increase the amniotic fluid around her. But every ultrasound became more and more bleak. The fluid was decreasing and she was unable to move. I could feel her hiccup, but she could not move. It’s truly gut wrenching to see your baby this way.
We traveled from Dallas to Houston to seek another opinion and search for any innovative, experimental means to offer some help. There was nothing we could do. Humans can land rovers on Mars but cannot patch up an amniotic sac.
Ultimately on March 7, 2021 we returned to Houston and checked into Labor and Delivery. My body had begun to show signs of infection and some early signs of labor. We made the impossible decision with our doctors to induce labor. We knew she would not make it, but it was the only way to keep me safe.
I labored for 21 hours before delivering our precious, dead daughter. Labor was quite terrifying with a high fever and blood loss, but I was determined to hold my baby. When they handed her to me, I was wonderstruck. She was tiny, but perfect. She had 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes. Her feet and ears were big like her Mommy and Daddy. She had the tiniest little nose and tiny little lips. Her little fingernails were just perfect. She was bigger than I expected… about 11 1/2 inches long head to toe… and holding her felt so right. Watching my husband hold her both brought me joy and broke my heart. We had no idea how wonderfully perfect a baby could be at just 21 weeks gestation. Pregnancy is truly a miracle.
We named our daughter, Amelia Marie. It was a name that had been on my mind for some time. I had imagined Amelia running through the yard, the wind gently blowing her hair, giggling and smiling at us. I had imagined so many things for the future of our daughter. I had never imagined this would be how her short time here with us would end.
Flowers will forever be her symbol. I like to believe she leaves floral footprints all over the world. She makes the world a more beautiful place with each flower that grows. Amelia is more precious to us than anything in this world and she is loved beyond comprehension. If love could’ve saved her she would’ve lived forever.
Amelia's Floral Footprints 