Leaving work on Friday a friend called out “Have a Happy Easter!” and my mind and heart immediately felt uneasy…. because this meant I was approaching another holiday without you… Another holiday where Daddy and I would pretend it’s just another normal, run of the mill Sunday, spending the day with the dogs outside in our backyard.
After losing you every holiday that previously brought joy has brought a sense of sadness and longing for you. I suppose this is how most people who have loved someone and lost them feels about the holidays. What I do not know yet is how long holidays will feel this way… will this last forever? Holidays feel fundamentally different for us now, because since we lost you our faith has changed. But will it always be this way?
What I do know is on holidays like today I have to avoid social media, because no matter the true meaning behind holidays society has made each holiday about the children. Society has us believing you must share photos of your children with everyone you know on holidays. You must share photos by texting out to everyone and posting on your social media page. Today social media platforms will be filled with photos of everyones babies dressed nicely for Easter… everyones children finding Easter eggs, eggs filled with candy and presents, baskets filled with everything from toys to chocolate bunnies. And while I recognize how wonderful it is to celebrate holidays through the eyes of the children…it is such a devastating thing for me to see when I am missing you. It’s a devastating thing when I am without my baby in my arms. It’s a feeling felt by many in the baby loss and infertility communities, but it is not often talked about. Holidays are hard for grieving parents.
If things had worked out for us, you would be 9 months old today. You’d be sitting on your own, crawling, maybe even taking your first few steps a bit early! Would your eyes be brown or blue? Would your hair be light or dark? I can imagine you would have your two little front teeth already and I’d be able to give you tastes of delicious things today… tastes of things you would have never tried before. Would your eyes light up? Would you smile at me and laugh? I’d give anything to be able to kiss your chubby little fingers as you reach out for a new Easter toy. I’d give anything to see your little hands at work pulling apart plastic Easter eggs to discover what is hidden within…
I imagine if you were here some of our family members would be here with us, too, and this holiday would look a lot different. They’d want to see you on your first Easter dressed in your pretty little Easter dress. They’d want to spoil you with your first Easter basket and see your eyes light up in wonder…
But today is another holiday without you… just another day for us to get through… hoping someday these holidays will be different for our family. We will fill these Easter eggs with dog treats and laugh while Kilroy and Daisy sniff them out all over the yard… all the while missing you. We always miss you.
Amelia's Floral Footprints 