Tag: bereaved father

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Your 4th Birthday in the stars

kristinamariedaily

March Eighth. Your fourth birthday in the stars. It was another cold, windy day surrounded by days of sun and warmth… like it has been every birthday so far. I wondered aloud and in my mind, several times, why your birthday is never sunny with blue skies… but we celebrated as we always do with a balloon full of messages just for you!

How is it possible that four years have passed? Four years that were at times agonizing. Four years that also brought us so much joy, perspective, and growth. It feels as though we blinked and here we are. We blinked and suddenly we have you in the stars and two babies here on earth…

But my heart knows better. My heart knows we didn’t just blink. We lived a lot of life in these four years. My heart has spent four years loving you. Four years grieving you. Four years finding little ways to weave you into our life and create space for you within our growing family. For four whole years you have been on my mind and in my heart… never far from every thought, every question, every hope, every dream, and every experience. You have been there for four whole years. You are my purpose and my guiding energy as I move through time without you.

This year your balloon contained one more message. A special message from your baby sister, Olivia. And your brother was able to tell you he loved you before we sent the balloon to you- a string of words he did not have just one year prior. “I wud you Amelia” spoken directly at my phone recording the entire event. And although they are both too young to fully understand, my heart knows how fast time passes. I know that time truly flies and soon enough they will come to understand who you are and why we celebrate you every year on March 8th.

I love that they will know you and write their messages each year on your birthday. What a joy it will be to see the messages evolve with time as they grow. Starting as handprints and scribbles and turning into their own written thoughts and wishes for you and for them. I know it will bring me joy to continue this tradition for years to come.

This year, just like the last, your balloon became stuck in that big old tree in front of the house. But this year I knew it would make its way up to you. And as I watched it wiggle free and float up, up, and away I couldn’t help but notice the familiar twinkling in my eyes that has told me time and time again that you are near. I have no doubt that you were there with us on your birthday.

We “wud you, Amelia” and love to honor and celebrate you. I am a better Mom because of you and I’m a more compassionate human because of you. And as I sit here three weeks later finishing this (because that is the busy season of life we are in) I am so excited to get started on your newest garden to once again feel close to you, care for you, and see your floral footprints through the rest of the year! Happy Birthday, our sweet angel!

Releasing your birthday balloon 2025

My view of your garden today… with a few blossoms and a ton of potential. It’s the most grounding, wonderful time of the year for me 🤍

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Your second Birthday among the stars

kristinamariedaily

Two whole years. Amelia, it’s been two years since you were born into the stars and since we were able to see you and hold you. Two years since we said hello and goodbye. And two years since the journey of loving and deeply missing you began. We’ve made it through two years of grief, trauma, and being the version of ourselves that we became when we lost you. Two years as your parents. Two years I wish could’ve been different but wouldn’t wish away because you have taught us so much.

This year we continued our traditions. Your Daddy, Daisy, Benjamin, and I wrote messages to you on another pink balloon and sent it to the sky. Another year… another set of messages. Did you see them?

Every once in a while I experience something strange. I see these little twinkles… almost like thousands of tiny white specks moving all over… as I look around. It happened just before we lost you, just before we found out we were expecting your brother, and again on your second birthday as I watched the balloon float up and up until I could no longer see it.

When this happens I have this overwhelming sense that one of my angels is there with me telling me something. Was it you? Were you there with us in that moment feeling the love that we were sending your way? Was it you wrapping your little arms around us? I hope this time it was you. What a sweet thought it is that maybe our little family was together for a moment.

Imagining our little family together for a moment. Not sure you’d be in such a big dress! But maybe you would on your second birthday!

One year ago I imagined what it would be like to send off your balloon while holding a baby… your little sibling. I wished and wished for this to come true before your second birthday and I’m so glad this year we got to have this experience. Benjamin is little but watching the wonder in his eyes through it all was incredible. He loved watching your birthday candle… the flame flickering back and forth. His attempted handprints on your balloon… this will forever be the first time he touched finger paint. I love that he will grow up knowing you and sending you messages with us. I imagine singing happy birthday to you, the messages he will scribble and write over the years, and talking with him about how old you would be and who you might be here on Earth with us.

Who would you be today if you were here with us? Would you have blonde hair or brown? Would your eyes squint like Benjamin’s when you smile and would you also have dimples? What would your voice sound like? Would you have similar interests to the other little girls we know who are around your age? Would you run around, climb things, play in your kitchen? I wonder what kind of toys you’d be asking for this birthday… would we celebrate with cake and ice cream? Or would you prefer cookies?

For the rest of my life all I can do is imagine who you are… and who you would be if you were here with us. Imagining a life that could never be is both comforting and sad. But I’ll never stop imagining, Amelia, because you are my first born… my baby girl who deserved so much more. My girl who I both connect with and love through flowers and traditions like these. My girl who no matter what and no matter where is always on my mind.

Happy second birthday among the stars, Amelia.

I love you,

Mommy

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You Have the Best Daddy

kristinamariedaily

Amelia, you have the best Daddy. You really do. This Father’s Day should be so different… with you around 11 months old and the three of us celebrating. You shouldn’t just be on our minds and in our hearts today… you should be here with your Daddy.

I wish I could’ve seen you grow and interact with him. If wishes could come true, I’d wish for you to be here so I could see it with my eyes and feel it with my soul… If there was any way I could go back in time and make everything work out for us, I would. Oh, I so would.

But I did see how gentle your Daddy was with you when you were born and we lost you. I saw how much he loved you when we met you. And through the deep sadness in his eyes I saw how much he wished you would’ve made it here safely and alive. Your Daddy looked so right holding your precious, tiny body. If only he had the chance to hold you forever.

No Daddy deserves to go through what your Daddy has. Babies should always make it Earthside and get the chance to grow and thrive with their families. Babies shouldn’t ever die. Pregnancies shouldn’t ever be lost. But unfortunately these things happen all the time and it happened to us. I wish so badly that it didn’t happen to you. I wish so badly that it didn’t happen to your Daddy.

We both wished for you for a very long time before you were a reality. During our 21 weeks with you, your Daddy was so excited. If we weren’t in a new pandemic he would’ve been there for every appointment, every sonogram…from the start. But he was always there, watching you grow through technology. He was always there, taking care of your Mommy. And he was always there, excited for our future with you. He was so excited for a future with you in it.

Although your Daddy and I only ever wanted a healthy child… he was so excited to find out you were a baby girl. He wore pink socks to our gender reveal, secretly hoping you might be his Daughter… and I was so excited to see him as a “Girl Dad”… I even bought him a “Girl Dad” hat as soon as we found out. I can imagine how gentle he’d be with you today… how he would tell you how smart and how brave you are… Your Daddy would read to you, watch shows with you, snuggle with you, and he would teach you so many things. He would want you to grow into a strong, independent, healthy, and happy person. He would want you to be whoever you were meant to be.

But just as I have to mother you in much different ways than I would if you were physically here… your Daddy has to father you in different ways, too. I’ve seen him father you in sending paper lanterns to the sky, choosing a floral name for our puppy, writing you the sweetest message on your Birthday balloon, and clearing out the flower bed for a new garden. I’ve seen him father you in choosing the perfect little candle for the Wave of Light… and I’ve seen him father you in the moments where he notices flowers that remind him of you. He fathers you in the quiet moments where you come to mind and he fathers you in all the ways he supports your Mommy while she mothers you….

You have the very best Daddy

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Another Holiday Without You…

kristinamariedaily

Leaving work on Friday a friend called out “Have a Happy Easter!” and my mind and heart immediately felt uneasy…. because this meant I was approaching another holiday without you… Another holiday where Daddy and I would pretend it’s just another normal, run of the mill Sunday, spending the day with the dogs outside in our backyard.

After losing you every holiday that previously brought joy has brought a sense of sadness and longing for you. I suppose this is how most people who have loved someone and lost them feels about the holidays. What I do not know yet is how long holidays will feel this way… will this last forever? Holidays feel fundamentally different for us now, because since we lost you our faith has changed. But will it always be this way?

What I do know is on holidays like today I have to avoid social media, because no matter the true meaning behind holidays society has made each holiday about the children. Society has us believing you must share photos of your children with everyone you know on holidays. You must share photos by texting out to everyone and posting on your social media page. Today social media platforms will be filled with photos of everyones babies dressed nicely for Easter… everyones children finding Easter eggs, eggs filled with candy and presents, baskets filled with everything from toys to chocolate bunnies. And while I recognize how wonderful it is to celebrate holidays through the eyes of the children…it is such a devastating thing for me to see when I am missing you. It’s a devastating thing when I am without my baby in my arms. It’s a feeling felt by many in the baby loss and infertility communities, but it is not often talked about. Holidays are hard for grieving parents.

If things had worked out for us, you would be 9 months old today. You’d be sitting on your own, crawling, maybe even taking your first few steps a bit early! Would your eyes be brown or blue? Would your hair be light or dark? I can imagine you would have your two little front teeth already and I’d be able to give you tastes of delicious things today… tastes of things you would have never tried before. Would your eyes light up? Would you smile at me and laugh? I’d give anything to be able to kiss your chubby little fingers as you reach out for a new Easter toy. I’d give anything to see your little hands at work pulling apart plastic Easter eggs to discover what is hidden within…

I imagine if you were here some of our family members would be here with us, too, and this holiday would look a lot different. They’d want to see you on your first Easter dressed in your pretty little Easter dress. They’d want to spoil you with your first Easter basket and see your eyes light up in wonder…

But today is another holiday without you… just another day for us to get through… hoping someday these holidays will be different for our family. We will fill these Easter eggs with dog treats and laugh while Kilroy and Daisy sniff them out all over the yard… all the while missing you. We always miss you.