July 14th…. it was the perfect due date. I know babies aren’t often born on their due date, but yours felt special. Yours felt like it was hand picked just for you. We conceived you one year after we lost my Dad, your Papa… and you were due to arrive just 4 days after his Birthday! I used to think there must be some force, much greater than ourselves, orchestrating all of this… and everything about you made this thought seem much more certain. But when we lost you, I realized how cruel it would be if this same force that gave you to us also took you away… and now I think differently.
Now I’m not so sure if life is orchestrated or if it is just a series of events… some good, some bad… that sometimes align in ways that seem too good to be true. Maybe your due date was just a coincidence… but what a beautiful coincidence it would have been!
Last year your due date was hard. Just like all of the other “firsts” of last year… the days approaching your due date were the most difficult. Your Daddy and I decided to pack up the car with Kilroy and drive to Colorado for the week around your due date. We spent our time in nature, connecting with you through the flowers, and leaving your mark on the world… I felt you in the peace of the mountains… and I felt you in the storm we made it through in our kayak… You were everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
On July 14, 2021 I received a video from many of my coworkers…sharing their beautiful words, sharing how you had changed their lives, and showing their support. Your Daddy and I took Kilroy on a short hike, carved your name into a tree, went to the most wonderful spa for massages, and had a dinner just the two of us. I wrote to you a social media post that poured out from my soul… and the whole day you were on our minds.
On July 14, 2021, while we were at dinner, I also received a message from our OBGYN asking for my help with therapy resources for another patient who lost a baby like we lost you. Another coincidence? I’m not sure. But the timing of this message made me feel as though you and I could begin to change the world.
Today is July 14, 2022 and Amelia, I do believe we are slowly changing the world together. Loving you has lit a fire within me to love you out loud and share our story. What started as loving you and sharing on my social media page to a smaller audience has turned into this blog… which I hope will continue to reach so many others around the world. Together, we have the potential to help others feel understood, less alone, and to spread awareness around baby loss. We have the potential to spread awareness around PPROM, second trimester loss, anatomy scans that can and do go horribly wrong, and choices some Mothers and Fathers must make to induce labor and end the most beautifully wanted pregnancy in order to keep the Mother safe. Maybe someday we can raise more than just awareness and raise funds to study PPROM, why it happens, and help find better ways to prevent this from ever happening in the first place. If only there had been a way to prevent this from ever happening to you… to all three of us- your Daddy, me, and you.
This due date may not be as devastatingly dreadful as our first, but this due date I find myself thinking about what you would be like. If our pregnancy had been routine and things had worked out you would be a bright little 1 year old bringing us endless joy and providing us with endless challenges! You would probably be walking now, have a few teeth, and baby girl, if I could hold you I swear I’d never let you go.
Today I’m thinking about who you would be. I’m thinking about your smiles, your shining eyes, how much joy you’d be finding in this world. Maybe we’d have a splash pad in our back yard for you to stay cool during these hot summer days. Maybe we would have had a 1st Birthday, just the three of us… or maybe more of our family would be visiting to celebrate you big. One thing I definitely know is Kilroy would be enjoying these days, licking food from your fingers as you begin to explore more and more…
I think from now on, for the rest of my life, I will always think about who you would be. Every year on July 14th I will reflect and imagine how life would be if things had worked out. Today, just a year later our life would be so much different… but you would be here and you would be beautiful like the flowers that grow in your garden.
Amelia's Floral Footprints 