flowers – Amelia's Floral Footprints

In each petal on each flower

July 14, 2026 kristinamariedaily

Today is your due date… five years ago. The date that was suddenly the center of our hopes and dreams the moment we learned you existed. The date we expected you would make it earth side and the date that turned out to be one filled with grief, instead. July 14, 2021 was incredibly sad and your Daddy and I made the most of it by escaping reality to hike in Colorado. July 14, 2022 held both grief and hope as I held my breath awaiting the safe arrival of your little brother. July 14, 2023 was a little easier with your brother in our arms, but also filled with the now familiar wonder of what it would be like to hold you both, together. July 14, 2024 brought more peace anticipating the safe arrival of your sister. And July 14, 2025 was a little easier yet with you blooming all around us and two healthy babies to love earth side. This July 14th feels in many ways like an ordinary day wrapped in a milestone… 5 years… you should’ve arrived five whole years ago safely into my arms. That was the reality we were sold once we first learned of your due date. It was not the reality we actually found ourselves in.

Every year gets easier. Your due date finds itself further behind us and grief is not near as heavy. I know with more certainty with each passing year that because of you and because of how we lost you we now find ourselves in our current reality with your little siblings. And although I wish we never had to endure the hell of losing you, I’m thankful that what we went through brought us to where we are now. Now is a place I once dreamed of being.

This milestone year inspired me to give your garden a bit of a makeover. Fresh stain and a new sign. Vibrant flowers and some fresh mulch. And Amelia, I absolutely love it. Your garden has been such a beautiful focal point in our back yard. It’s one of my favorite sights to see. Your siblings enjoy helping me water the flowers. And I often find myself staring in absolute wonder while your garden glows behind where they play.

Here’s to your due date, Amelia. I’m forever changed because of you, the promise that this due date brought, and the profound sadness we faced when that promise was gone. I will always see you in each petal on each flower. Forever wherever I am.

They’re in each petal on each flower. In each and every blade of grass. They’re in the dew that sits upon them. And in all the clouds that pass. They are in each and every raindrop. And every single star. They are in every little moment. They are forever wherever you are.

-Murphys Sketches

And here are some photos showing the progression of your garden from the start of this season to now

How it started (planting flowers in one of the empty pots)

Amelia Rose Azaleas blooming before garden work was underway

Watering

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Your 5th Birthday in the stars

March 8, 2026March 9, 2026 kristinamariedaily

This morning I saw the sunrise and it brought me back to that first morning with you- March 9th, 2021. I held your tiny lifeless body in our quiet hospital room as the sun rose outside the window. I sat there with a strange calmness before a tsunami of grief. Just me and you and the sunrise while your Daddy was resting. These were some of the last moments before we said goodbye and let them take you.

Today, it’s your birthday. March 8th, 2026 and my glimpse of the sunrise was filled with trying to rock your little sister back to sleep (thank you daylight savings) and taking out some trash through the backyard. Not much time to sit and reflect… but for a moment I was right back in that hospital room with you.

It’s your fifth Birthday in the stars. Five whole years. It feels like another lifetime and at the same time I don’t know how we made it this far. Each of your previous birthdays in the stars have been gloomy and cold. Today it is finally sunny and warm, and it feels fitting for this milestone birthday. I’m so thankful for the sun today! Although your garden has yet to be planted, I do spy some little pink flowers blooming both in the small pot at the base of your flower bed and on our Amelia Rose Azaleas. It feels like you are here to say hello and that everything is okay wherever you are.

Five. What would it be like to have a five year old? I often see the girls you would’ve been friends with and it’s so hard to imagine you with them. What I do know is that we see bits of you in both your brother and sister. Without even knowing exactly which parts are just like you, we know they are there. And I feel so lucky to know this.

This morning we focused on family. We spent time at a new-to-us playground that your brother just absolutely loved. I climbed up into this giant structure, lifting him up and nudging him along the entire way because, at three, this place was a bit out of his league. I imagine if you were here, at five, you would’ve scaled this place and maybe you’d be the one nudging him up to the tallest parts. For a moment I could imagine seeing you at the top waving down to me saying “mom, watch me!” And as your Daddy helped him across the zip line I imagined you zipping right across, all on your own and so proud. It would be so lovely to have you here. To have the privilege of watching you grow. Instead, I will imagine you in these moments.

This afternoon we did what we always do. We sent a balloon full of messages to you! Olivia is too little to understand much more than the fact that there’s a balloon to play with. And Benjamin found it difficult to understand why his big sister is in the stars, but loved that you share the same last name. For the first time I could see how this tradition will have a profound impact on who your brother and sister become as they grow up. In five years this tradition has evolved with our family. I can imagine the evolution of the next five years and beyond as they truly learn the meaning of March 8th.

My hope is that they grow up with an understanding and empathy for this type of loss that so many families face. An understanding that nobody is immune to tragedy and each precious day with those we love is an absolute gift. I hope you have an impact on who they become like you have had an impact on me. I’m a better person because of you. I believe they will be better because of you, too.

I had too much trust in your brother to hold the string of the balloon before letting it go, but the quickness of his release left me giggling while we watched your balloon go up and up and up into a crystal clear sky. This was the first year we could watch it for more than five minutes and still see it. What a cool thing to witness!

After the balloon launch, we added a new tradition- singing happy birthday with some cake! We found some beautiful floral cupcakes and sang to you like we would if you were here.

Happy 5th birthday in the stars, Amelia. We hope you are able to feel a fraction of the love we have for you on this day and every day. We love you so much. Forever and ever.

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The best view comes after the hardest climb…

July 14, 2025September 20, 2025 kristinamariedaily

If things had been different for us, you almost certainly would’ve celebrated your fourth birthday by now. July 14… the day you were due to be born. And here I am today, with your brother at daycare and your sister sleeping peacefully in her crib while I think about you near your garden.

We recently underwent a major renovation to our backyard, but before it began I was sure to plant your garden. Your garden is the one thing that I must always do before the temperature grows warm. It’s one of my most important jobs every spring. And I’m starting to learn and understand which flowers will survive from the spring to the first winter freeze, through the brutal Texas heat. This year your garden is right where it always is, with familiar flowers, bright and colorful. It’s a steady focal point in our ever-changing backyard.

Amelia, I must say, I truly love the view. There have been several moments recently where the whole family is outside, enjoying the new patio. And with your garden in the background the view feels complete. Our home feels complete. Of course we would much rather have you here- a four year old little girl living in this big beautiful world- but we also recognize that with you here the view would be much different. Our family would not be what it is today and our home as we know it would look nothing like this.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past few months about how different our lives would be if things were the way they are now when I was pregnant with you. PPROM and the complications that occurred when I was pregnant with you are unfortunately all too common. And if it happened today, I wouldn’t have any choice but to wait for sepsis to take hold. It would’ve left me without you and with deep physical and emotional scars that could very likely have impacted the trajectory of my motherhood. Nobody can understand what we went through- you, me, and your Daddy- at least not those who haven’t walked in these shoes. And to this day I still wish we didn’t have to go through this experience together. BUT… Every single day I am also incredibly thankful that I had the option to deliver you, and hold you, and grieve, and move forward with growing our family without any major complications. Quite simply, without what we experienced with you I would not be a Mother to both Benjamin and Olivia. I know this in my heart and soul.

People like to say everything happens for a reason. And I don’t think that’s true. But I do believe that whatever we face throughout our lives plays a crucial role in building the trajectory of our future. And more and more I’m coming to realize that we are just so lucky that given our circumstances we had the opportunity to lose you as gracefully as we did… because we are now living in the future where it is just absolutely beautiful. It is truly, most wonderfully, lovely from where I am right now. And my heart feels whole again.

Happy due date, Amelia. July 14- a day that once brought so much sadness now brings me a sense of peace and understanding. We love you so very much and love having your garden in view.

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Mend your garden and the butterflies will come…

September 23, 2024September 23, 2024 kristinamariedaily

I remember when we lost you I spent so many of those early days in our backyard, feeling you in the rays of the sun and warm spring and early summer breeze. It was the only place I felt peace.

We planted your garden in May that year and I’d imagine one day having a happy life with two children playing and giggling around your garden. I remember vividly picturing your Daddy and I running around with two giggling children- a boy and a girl- happy and carefree near your garden. It felt so impossibly far away from reality but it’s all I could do in those darkest of days to imagine that better days would come and grief wouldn’t always be as heavy as it was at that time.

This summer I’ve seen part of this dream come true in watching your Daddy and little brother play near your garden. Now big enough to run around, Benji often stops to look at (and sometimes pull on) your flowers and his giggles illuminate my heart as your daddy throws him up in the air, catches him, and twirls him around. It’s a moment of true joy that I will never take for granted. It’s the most beautiful thing to see and feel.

In a matter of days or weeks we will welcome your little sister earth side. Of course you already know that, but as I write this I think I’m realizing for the first time how my visions, my dreams from those devastating early days, are coming true. Somehow I always imagined a boy and a girl giggling and playing around you and your garden- I’m not sure why it was a boy and a girl- but in a short while this will come true. I feel so truly lucky!

During the early days of this pregnancy I wondered what symbol would feel right for your newest little sibling. I always had visions of flowers when I was pregnant with you and when I was expecting your brother the moon and stars for “to the moon and back” felt fitting after the journey we had been on. This time, I started noticing a lot of butterflies fluttering around me whenever I was outside. So butterflies soon became her symbol.

I’m not sure if it’s common for parents to assign a symbol to their children under normal circumstances but when we experienced losing you having a symbol for you was so important. Flowers helped pave a way for me to love you after you were gone. Flowers helped me feel close to you. Seeing wildflowers growing in the most unexpected places still makes me smile and think of you. Planting and tending to your garden gives me a way to love you without you here to love. And flowers are now the way your siblings can learn about and grow up knowing you.

Once I decided that butterflies would be the symbol for your little sister two beautiful coincidences occurred. First, I came across some butterfly artwork for her nursery that is compiled of flowers and knew it could be a little nod from you. It felt right to choose this piece for her room and will weave you beautifully into our life with her.

Second, a dear friend asked me to pick my favorite swaddle blanket from a specific brand and I couldn’t help but notice the “Amelia swaddle blanket” was adorned with butterflies! A beautiful coincidence? Maybe. But what if this is another sweet sign that you are still here in some way, playing a larger role in our family than I ever imagined? It seems too perfect that of all the options the swaddle with the butterflies is named after you!

And so I take this as another nod from you that we are right where we are supposed to be. After the darkest of days we find ourselves growing our family. Adding another daughter to love just as we have always loved you!

We’ve mended our garden and now the butterflies will come!

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The miracle of a single flower…

June 10, 2024June 10, 2024 kristinamariedaily

“If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.” -Buddha

I can’t believe it’s already June 10th, 2024. It feels like yesterday was the beginning of April and we were preparing for your new garden.

It’s becoming easier, more natural to pick out flowers to fill your garden. I love the few hours I get to spend roaming the aisles at our garden centers nearby, dreaming up your garden and picking flowers to coordinate and compliment each other. This year the challenge was finding grubs and ants that had taken up residence in the flower bed and figuring out what to do. Yuck! But I think I was able to solve it.

This year your garden is filled with lots of bright colors with a few new additions and several plants that I have brought back for the second or third year. I’m learning which flowers survive the climate here in Texas and it’s becoming easier to plant a garden that will make it through the summer if nourished well.

The pink dianthus flowers have returned for a third season in the small pot that sits before your garden. It continues to amaze me how hardy these beautiful little flowers are, making it through not only hot, dry summers, but also cold winters with ice and frost. These flowers are the definition of resilience. They continue to thrive in the same soil from three summers ago and in a small pot, nonetheless.

This year, we also planted two new Amelia Rose Azalea shrubs along the fence near your garden. I’ve wanted to plant some of these since we lost you and this year it felt right. I needed some time after my attempt to grow one from a sapling in 2021 that Daisy destroyed as a puppy and led to me feeling like I failed you. This spring it felt like enough time had passed and I was ready for another chance. I opted for 3 gallon plants rather than saplings to help our success and they’ve been thriving since we planted! These Azaleas will flower every spring and fall for years to come. I look forward to watching them grow and continue to thrive with the same name as you! Amelia

All in all, Amelia, your 2024 garden and this fourth year of honoring you has started out perfectly. We’ve had plenty of rain! I’ve already seen the miracle of each flower, each blossom, and my whole life continues to change.

Started out with a clean slate and a vision

It’s truly beautiful in the morning light

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Your 3rd Birthday among the stars

March 25, 2024 kristinamariedaily

A little over two weeks ago it was your birthday, again. Your third birthday among the stars. And we celebrated you the way we always do, by sending a balloon to you with our messages and lighting your birthday candle for some time afterward. This year our balloon temporarily became stuck inside a tree…which was a surprising turn of events… but in the end it all worked out and somehow as soon as we gave up and looked away it found its way out and on the way up to you! It made me laugh to think that all we had to do was look away after spending 10-15 minutes staring up at that big tree, willing your balloon to move without any luck. And while we would’ve loved to watch that balloon go up, up, up all the way to you- we know that sometimes things just go the way they are going to and this seemed to be the way this Birthday was supposed to go! It’s not always easy but we are learning to lean into moments like these that don’t work out quite as we had planned.

Three years. Three years to me feels like both a lifetime ago and yesterday all at once. How it’s been three years since we met you and said goodbye, I don’t understand. Our world was turned completely upside down three years ago and it seems almost unreal now that we are here, today. It’s becoming more difficult to imagine who you would be now… our three year old little girl. It’s more difficult to imagine what you would look like… what your personality would be. The gravity of our loss continues to impact us, but our life is in such a different place now than it was three years ago. Your Daddy and I are standing on solid ground once again with our loss and you weaved delicately into every fiber that makes us who we are. Every fiber that our family is built on and continues to build on, you are weaved within. While our family evolves and time heals some of our pain, your presence in our life remains.

I can still feel you in the warm sun on my skin and see you in the flowers that grow. I hear you in the wind chimes and birds chirping in the trees above. Although your new garden has yet to be planted, the Texas wildflowers have been in bloom for some time now and when I see them speckling the sides of the roads as I’m driving along I always smile and think of you. I always feel you near. The small bright pink flowers that seem to return each year in the pot next to your garden after completely dying off in the winter remind me that even when something is not physically visible here on Earth, it is still with us, just in a different way. Just like you.

On your third birthday, we wrote our messages and helped Benji and Daisy create messages of their own. We went to our usual spot in front of the house and set up a camera to take our photos and video. And while we were taking our photos a kind neighbor stopped his car to help us. He congratulated us at first, seeing the pink balloon. But he must’ve noticed the messages as he then asked what this was for. As we explained to him how we lost you and celebrate you every year, a familiar look came over his face. He shared that he, too, lost a daughter over 40 years ago. He shared that this type of loss never leaves a parent, something I am coming to realize to be true.

Sometimes the universe sends us little messages. I can’t help but wonder if this neighbor was placed there at the right time so that we could share a common connection and know that we are less alone in this world than it seems.

Once we realized your balloon had left the tree without us looking your Daddy and I laughed a little and we went inside for dinner. Before our night became business as usual with your little brother, we lit your birthday candle and had a moment, just the four of us, as a family. A moment I look forward to all year long.

We love you, Amelia, and look forward to seeing how you will weave into the fibers of this family for years to come. Happy Birthday!

Love, Mommy

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Flowers that bloom on Christmas

December 26, 2023December 26, 2023 kristinamariedaily

Yesterday was Christmas Day. Our third Christmas without you. And also the first Christmas I noticed flowers that continue to bloom in your garden. It’s incredible that we’ve made it past the shortest day of the year- the middle of winter- and your garden still blooms. It’s like a sweet Christmas message that the flowers remaining are white and red… holiday colors.

This Christmas with your brother being just over one year old has been so magical and so healing. We spent Christmas the way we longed to spend Christmas for so many years and I poured my soul into all the details for him. It felt nice to create traditions and make the holiday magical. I genuinely enjoyed this Christmas and loved the pure excitement on his little face. In many ways this Christmas redeemed a part of my soul that had been lost to sadness a few years ago. But if I’m completely honest the “merry”, “joy”, “happy” of this season is and will always be a little different since we lost your Papa, then you, and then Kilroy.

Throughout December I thought of you. What would it be like if you were here? If you were here surely your brother wouldn’t be… and that is a difficult concept for me to sit with for too long. I’m still navigating this whole parenting thing with you out there wherever you are and your Brother here with us. It’s an interesting thing living with both grief and joy, feeling content and yet longing at the same time… Before you I didn’t understand how complex human emotions and experiences could be. I didn’t understand how loss could impact someone’s experiences for the rest of their life. For years and years- even when things are going well. And now I’m navigating it all day by day. It’s easier, for sure, than it once was but I won’t ever return to that blissful, ignorant way of living that I once knew.

Ordering our holiday cards I couldn’t help but quickly pass by the overly joyful, cheery, and innocently gleeful card options. I know all too well that this time of year can be beyond difficult for so many. And in all honesty I’m a bit cynical. I worry that if I send out a message that is too jolly or blissful the universe will seek to correct me and another shoe will drop. So I scrolled through options and took quite some time to make a decision. A simple Happy Holidays in a classic color would have to do- even though in many ways I feel as though my heart could sing this holiday season with all the colors and messages of pure happiness.

I struggle sometimes with truly and completely experiencing joy after the deep devastating sadness of losing you. It’s not uncommon for guilt to creep in after I’ve had too much fun or felt too much happiness. But this December you made sure to send me messages to let me know it was okay to truly soak up the moments with your brother. When Benjamin and I came down with the flu the message on my tea was often one of flowers. At first I thought it was strange- I’ve never had a message on my tea about flowers. And after your second message I knew it wasn’t a coincidence. You were gently nudging me to listen. And once I listened I felt much more peace with embracing and enjoying this very special Christmas.

Maybe flowers are the stars of the earth, Amelia. Maybe there is some greater meaning here about how the stars I say you were born into are aligned with the flowers that make me feel close to you. What I know for sure, however, is that I’m glad I live in a place where your flowers can grow. And I’m thankful for your flowers that continue to bloom on Christmas Day.

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There you are…

July 10, 2023July 10, 2023 kristinamariedaily

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. We entered July. Our third July without you. And you have been on my mind. Every single day, you have been on my mind. Are you able to hear my thoughts about you? Sometimes it seems when I think about you often I come across a sweet patch of wild flowers that makes me feel as though you are near. Many times I think of you while I’m driving and shortly after I think of you I drive past pretty wild flowers on the side of the road. I always wish I could photograph them. As if photographing these flowers is a way to photograph you.

These are the flowers I came across this morning in the most perfectly unexpected location. When I saw them I thought “There you are!”

Your little floral footprints are here to remind me that you are with us always.

Today is your Papa’s birthday… his fourth birthday in heaven… but you probably already know that. And in four days it’ll be July 14th. A special day for us- July 14, 2021 was the day you were due to be born, if things had worked out. A day that had been carved into my heart and soul, as I anticipated you growing safely in my belly until sometime around that day when you would end up safely in my arms. Now, every year it is a day to think of you and reflect. Every July I think of you often.

The past few months we’ve watched your garden grow. In the heat of July in Texas a few of the flowers have not survived, but the vast majority have. I’ve thought of you every time I prune & water the flowers. I thought of you today planting new zinnias where some dahlias have not survived. I’ve thought of you as I hold Benjamin near your garden, showing him all of the beautiful flowers full of color and life. His little hand reaching out to the flowers almost feels like he is reaching for you. I wish he could know you.

I’ve thought of you while watching Benjamin enchanted when the wind chimes sing a gentle song and I’ve wondered who you would be today. Lately we’ve seen our friends two year old little girls swimming, smiling, eating, playing, and running around; and I think about what it would be like with you here doing the same. I wonder if I’d appreciate all the little moments with you the way I do with Benjamin, because of you. Because of everything we went through with you. Because we know how lucky we are here today after having known you, loved you, and lost you.

I think about you all the time. I love you all the same.

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Even those who never fully blossom bring beauty into the world…

April 18, 2023April 18, 2023 kristinamariedaily

Well my sweet Amelia… it’s 2023 and it’s time for your garden to grow for its third season.

When we planted your first garden in 2021 I was utterly heartbroken. I was the version of me who was shattered into a million different pieces with no instructions for how to put me back together. I couldn’t see how beautiful the future would be but I had a dream that each year as winter turned into spring I would plant a new garden to care for and tend to just as I would for you if you were here. I had a glimmer of a vision that someday our family would be able to enjoy your garden year in and year out, together. But that year the fog of grief was thick and heavy. I learned a lot that first season… replacing a few plants that couldn’t survive the hot summer… figuring out how to prune some flowers and allow others to do the pruning on their own. I learned how frequently to water and watched some wildflowers that started as seed paper grow next to your flower bed… first in a small pot that was replaced several more times with larger pots to accommodate the growth. It was such a cool experience from start to finish, despite the sadness your absence brought. It gave me purpose during my darkest year and it brought some beauty to our home which held some of the most horrific memories.

Then came 2022 and I had just found out I was expecting your little brother. Your garden took on a new form as I planted seeds that required less labor and watched them sprout. Some didn’t make it. Others grew… and grew so wild I couldn’t keep up. I had to learn how to oil the cedar flower bed that had become greyed and weathered. I had to plant some grown flowers to fill the sparseness between seedlings. I had to fight with mushrooms that had taken up residence between the flowers for several weeks. And through one of the hottest summers your garden that was once full of color was a bed of mostly green and brown with a flower here and there. It feels symbolic reflecting on the challenges this 2022 garden brought as I faced challenging and often conflicting emotions throughout my second pregnancy.

This year… 2023… your garden is full of color and joy. My heart feels lighter and my soul feels renewed. I long for you and also feel a sense that we are right where we belong. If ever there were a year filled with song this would be the one. As I shopped for the flowers I would plant this season I scoured the aisles for anything bright and vibrant. I gravitated to flowers with colors blending into other colors… and colors I’ve never gravitated to before. It feels right to fill this season of your garden & this season in my life with brilliance. Maybe it’s because we’ve come so far… so far as a family and on our journey of loving you… but this garden is my proudest yet. It is truly a wonder to behold… looking at your garden while the wind gently blows the sweet melody of your chimes. It’s a wonder to behold how a little pot of pink flowers survived the winter ice and came back brighter than ever. I’ve never felt your presence more, Amelia, and I love it.

Even those who never fully blossom bring beauty into the world.
-Unknown

These little flowers survived the winter freeze. A sign from you? Absolutely.

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I Haven’t Lost You…

February 17, 2023February 17, 2023 kristinamariedaily

In the still of the winter, it’s difficult to feel you here with us. Even more so this winter with how busy (and tired) your brother & Daisy are keeping me. But I know that soon the air will turn warm, our grass will green all over again, and I will be able to prepare and plant your next garden. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to pick out the flowers at the nursery that make me think of you… and I can’t wait to show Benjamin all of the beautiful colors as they bloom. I can’t wait to feel you here with us more often again. It will be so nice to spend more time in the yard where your presence is strong… It will be so nice to have moments for just the two of us as I prune and tend to your next garden.

A few weeks back we had some winter weather. And although your garden is brown with flowers that are ready to be cleared to make room for new, I couldn’t help but stop and photograph what I saw.

The icicles dripping all around your flower bed were so pretty and just like you, they would only be here a short time. After taking Daisy inside I had to sneak back out with my phone to capture the moment. I know how important it is to capture moments before they are gone.

In a few weeks we will celebrate your second birthday among the stars and spring will arrive with new perspective and growth. But for now, my sweet girl, I want you to know that I haven’t lost you. Not even a little bit. Not at all.