Your second Birthday among the stars

Two whole years. Amelia, it’s been two years since you were born into the stars and since we were able to see you and hold you. Two years since we said hello and goodbye. And two years since the journey of loving and deeply missing you began. We’ve made it through two years of grief, trauma, and being the version of ourselves that we became when we lost you. Two years as your parents. Two years I wish could’ve been different but wouldn’t wish away because you have taught us so much.

This year we continued our traditions. Your Daddy, Daisy, Benjamin, and I wrote messages to you on another pink balloon and sent it to the sky. Another year… another set of messages. Did you see them?

Every once in a while I experience something strange. I see these little twinkles… almost like thousands of tiny white specks moving all over… as I look around. It happened just before we lost you, just before we found out we were expecting your brother, and again on your second birthday as I watched the balloon float up and up until I could no longer see it.

When this happens I have this overwhelming sense that one of my angels is there with me telling me something. Was it you? Were you there with us in that moment feeling the love that we were sending your way? Was it you wrapping your little arms around us? I hope this time it was you. What a sweet thought it is that maybe our little family was together for a moment.

One year ago I imagined what it would be like to send off your balloon while holding a baby… your little sibling. I wished and wished for this to come true before your second birthday and I’m so glad this year we got to have this experience. Benjamin is little but watching the wonder in his eyes through it all was incredible. He loved watching your birthday candle… the flame flickering back and forth. His attempted handprints on your balloon… this will forever be the first time he touched finger paint. I love that he will grow up knowing you and sending you messages with us. I imagine singing happy birthday to you, the messages he will scribble and write over the years, and talking with him about how old you would be and who you might be here on Earth with us.

Who would you be today if you were here with us? Would you have blonde hair or brown? Would your eyes squint like Benjamin’s when you smile and would you also have dimples? What would your voice sound like? Would you have similar interests to the other little girls we know who are around your age? Would you run around, climb things, play in your kitchen? I wonder what kind of toys you’d be asking for this birthday… would we celebrate with cake and ice cream? Or would you prefer cookies?

For the rest of my life all I can do is imagine who you are… and who you would be if you were here with us. Imagining a life that could never be is both comforting and sad. But I’ll never stop imagining, Amelia, because you are my first born… my baby girl who deserved so much more. My girl who I both connect with and love through flowers and traditions like these. My girl who no matter what and no matter where is always on my mind.

Happy second birthday among the stars, Amelia.

I love you,

Mommy