There you are…

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. We entered July. Our third July without you. And you have been on my mind. Every single day, you have been on my mind. Are you able to hear my thoughts about you? Sometimes it seems when I think about you often I come across a sweet patch of wild flowers that makes me feel as though you are near. Many times I think of you while I’m driving and shortly after I think of you I drive past pretty wild flowers on the side of the road. I always wish I could photograph them. As if photographing these flowers is a way to photograph you.

These are the flowers I came across this morning in the most perfectly unexpected location. When I saw them I thought “There you are!”

Your little floral footprints are here to remind me that you are with us always.

Today is your Papa’s birthday… his fourth birthday in heaven… but you probably already know that. And in four days it’ll be July 14th. A special day for us- July 14, 2021 was the day you were due to be born, if things had worked out. A day that had been carved into my heart and soul, as I anticipated you growing safely in my belly until sometime around that day when you would end up safely in my arms. Now, every year it is a day to think of you and reflect. Every July I think of you often.

The past few months we’ve watched your garden grow. In the heat of July in Texas a few of the flowers have not survived, but the vast majority have. I’ve thought of you every time I prune & water the flowers. I thought of you today planting new zinnias where some dahlias have not survived. I’ve thought of you as I hold Benjamin near your garden, showing him all of the beautiful flowers full of color and life. His little hand reaching out to the flowers almost feels like he is reaching for you. I wish he could know you.

I’ve thought of you while watching Benjamin enchanted when the wind chimes sing a gentle song and I’ve wondered who you would be today. Lately we’ve seen our friends two year old little girls swimming, smiling, eating, playing, and running around; and I think about what it would be like with you here doing the same. I wonder if I’d appreciate all the little moments with you the way I do with Benjamin, because of you. Because of everything we went through with you. Because we know how lucky we are here today after having known you, loved you, and lost you.

I think about you all the time. I love you all the same.