If things had been different for us, you almost certainly would’ve celebrated your fourth birthday by now. July 14… the day you were due to be born. And here I am today, with your brother at daycare and your sister sleeping peacefully in her crib while I think about you near your garden.
We recently underwent a major renovation to our backyard, but before it began I was sure to plant your garden. Your garden is the one thing that I must always do before the temperature grows warm. It’s one of my most important jobs every spring. And I’m starting to learn and understand which flowers will survive from the spring to the first winter freeze, through the brutal Texas heat. This year your garden is right where it always is, with familiar flowers, bright and colorful. It’s a steady focal point in our ever-changing backyard.
Amelia, I must say, I truly love the view. There have been several moments recently where the whole family is outside, enjoying the new patio. And with your garden in the background the view feels complete. Our home feels complete. Of course we would much rather have you here- a four year old little girl living in this big beautiful world- but we also recognize that with you here the view would be much different. Our family would not be what it is today and our home as we know it would look nothing like this.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past few months about how different our lives would be if things were the way they are now when I was pregnant with you. PPROM and the complications that occurred when I was pregnant with you are unfortunately all too common. And if it happened today, I wouldn’t have any choice but to wait for sepsis to take hold. It would’ve left me without you and with deep physical and emotional scars that could very likely have impacted the trajectory of my motherhood. Nobody can understand what we went through- you, me, and your Daddy- at least not those who haven’t walked in these shoes. And to this day I still wish we didn’t have to go through this experience together. BUT… Every single day I am also incredibly thankful that I had the option to deliver you, and hold you, and grieve, and move forward with growing our family without any major complications. Quite simply, without what we experienced with you I would not be a Mother to both Benjamin and Olivia. I know this in my heart and soul.
People like to say everything happens for a reason. And I don’t think that’s true. But I do believe that whatever we face throughout our lives plays a crucial role in building the trajectory of our future. And more and more I’m coming to realize that we are just so lucky that given our circumstances we had the opportunity to lose you as gracefully as we did… because we are now living in the future where it is just absolutely beautiful. It is truly, most wonderfully, lovely from where I am right now. And my heart feels whole again.
Happy due date, Amelia. July 14- a day that once brought so much sadness now brings me a sense of peace and understanding. We love you so very much and love having your garden in view.
Amelia's Floral Footprints 