If I had a flower for every time I thought of you…

Today is March 19, 2022. A year ago I was living a nightmare… falling asleep only to dream of you… dream of searching for you… and waking up to realize all over again every single day that I had lost you. Every morning it was like the weight of the world fell on top of me the moment I woke up. You were dead. I spent hours wondering what I could have done differently. I spent hours reprocessing over and over again every traumatizing moment we had been through. Scouring through research and locating others who had lost babies to PPROM for any indication of what went wrong. The sad reality was and continues to be… nobody knows why these things happen. There are not enough resources spent on research to find the answers. Nearly all of the doctors I have seen have said it was “just bad luck”. Recalling the first few weeks and months after we lost you is sad… those days were the darkest days I’ve ever experienced. And although our yard was the only place I felt any sense of peace… I didn’t get the chance to fully appreciate the warm spring air through the thick fog of grief.

This week the air started feeling like spring again…smelling like spring again… I can’t describe the smell of spring… but it’s there. The warm sun has started to shine and the cool breeze blows every now and then to remind us that the seasons are just starting to change. Soon the grass will become green again and everything will grow.

This year is different. The heavy fog of grief has lifted and is more like a mist or sprinkle… and I can appreciate all of the signs of spring that make me think of you. Writing this from our yard, I feel you in the warmth on my skin, the breeze that blows the little hairs on my head trying to grow from all of the hair I lost after you… I hear you in the wind chimes we hung for you… and although Daisy is trying her best to distract me with her never ending game of fetch… I see your garden….

Your garden is empty now… waiting for me to plant within it…. and with all of the signs of spring I am starting to feel ready to begin dreaming up what I will do with it this year. I love that every year we will get the chance to plant a garden and watch it grow through the spring, summer, and fall. It’s another way we can honor you and make sure you are a part of our family for as long as we are here on Earth.

Last year I planted your garden with your Grandma in the month of May and tending to it throughout the summer (and even fall) made me feel closer to you. There was so much love involved in the care of your garden… from those who contributed to the creation of your flower bed… to those who delivered it to our yard… from those who sent garden related gifts and flowers… right down to every moment I spent watering it, trimming it back for new growth… Helping it to thrive.

Here are some of the photos from your 2021 garden.

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I could walk in my garden forever.”

Lord Alfred Tennyson