This morning I woke up feeling something I haven’t felt for humanity in a while… Hope.
I could write about all of the reasons I feel hope today… but there’s one reason that hits a bit more close to home for me. For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful that we can restore women’s reproductive rights and make this state and our country a safe place for people like us who experience dangerous pregnancy complications. For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful that babies like you may not need to suffer unnecessarily and that mothers like me may not need to risk adverse health impairments, fertility damage, or death because of black and white laws that politicians have placed on situations that are anything but black and white. Too many women are dying without any options for care, but today I feel hopeful that in time this can change.
Amelia, what we went through together in 2021 was absolute hell. If there was ANYTHING we could’ve done differently we would have. I never imagined we would make a decision to induce labor at 21 weeks. Quite honestly before you I didn’t really consider all the possible ways a pregnancy can go deeply wrong. I had dreamed up an entire life with you and had already picked out floral decorations for your nursery. You were an absolute dream come true after an already long journey to parenthood. You’re still a dream come true- my angel who deserved more than the reality we faced, my baby girl who made me a mother in the most tragic way, and the one I still yearn for but know in my heart of hearts is still with us in the stars and the little wild flowers scattered around this Earth.
Like many others in this world, we were delivered terrible news at your anatomy scan. And second and third opinions confirmed there was no real chance for your survival. And we trusted the informed doctors who told us it was only a matter of time before chorioamnionitis could lead to sepsis and cause irreversible harm to both of us. We lost a lot of hope in the process and trusted the evidence that no matter what we did from that moment on you would never have the chance to develop lungs that could allow you to live outside my womb.
What we went through was hell. And sadly not a hell unknown to others. And we were some of the lucky ones. We faced our pregnancy complications before the total abortion ban in Texas. Although our time to decide what to do was limited, we still had the choice to try everything we could and ultimately bring you into this world on our own terms, before things became emergent and even more traumatic. We brought you into this world in a way where we could hold you, meet you, and say goodbye while preserving my fertility to further build our family into what it is today.
Because of my right to choose how to end my pregnancy as safely and in the best way as possible for us I was able to memorize every little detail of you before I said goodbye. I was able to leave the hospital with empty arms and a grief I wouldn’t ever wish on anyone; but I left without scars and with my health intact to recover and grieve properly. Because of my right to choose how to end our pregnancy I now have the family I have today. I now have you in the stars and two incredible babies in my arms.
And today I feel HOPE that someday soon that choice can be restored for others who are like us, unlike us, and for future generations. It’s an impossible choice to face but an absolutely necessary one for an unfortunate number of people.
“Where flowers bloom so does hope.“
-Lady Bird Johnson
